Hey guys!

Sorry to bother you, but I know our midterm is next week (Tuesday? Clarify pls.) and unfortunately I’ve missed the last month of class due to [swine flu/death in family/death in friend’s family/death of Dumbledore/my cocaine addiction] and wouldn’t someone be so kind as to [send me all of their notes/tell me what is on the test/take the test for me]? Thanks, I really owe ya one!

We all get these beauties; they seem to be an inescapable part of the collegiate experience.

In my four years here, I’ve unfortunately never seen anyone actually respond.

For all of you who have littered my inbox in the past and those who undoubtedly will do so come finals week, please refer to my response. My dad always told me that a stupid question deserves a stupid answer, so here goes:

So great to hear from you! We have really missed your presence in class over the last few weeks; you always had so much to add to the collective educational experience. Your thirst for knowledge was infectious.

Speaking of which, it’s such a shame to hear about your unfortunate illness. Until I read your e-mail, I never would have believed that a runny nose and slight fever could possibly interfere with class attendance for more than a couple days. That must be miserable.

It goes without saying that I would love to send you my notes. In fact, the sole reason that I have attended every class this semester and diligently paraphrased the professor’s lectures is to cover for people like you!

I’m actually not even enrolled; I exist to serve your every need. I’ll do whatever I can to ensure your success in this class. What other motivation could I possibly have?

It is only fair that you should benefit from my hard work.

Your academic servant,

Henry Martin

PS: By the way, in the future, you should probably remove the professor’s e-mail address from the mass list you used to send this.

I could be wrong, but I doubt your comment about his uncanny ability to suck any shred of excitement out of any topic (dead on though it was!) will reflect positively upon your grade.

Don’t worry, though, I’d be happy to take the fall for that one if need be.

All kidding aside, is it too much to ask for a student who has missed class time to at least talk to the professor first, or ask someone in person for help?

We all miss class for various reasons, and there is nothing wrong with getting notes from a classmate to cover these absences. However, last minute e-mails sent to the entire class filled with weak excuses just reek of desperation.

While there is no way that I would ever send my notes to someone I don’t know as a result of a mass e-mail, if that same person asked me in class I would almost certainly comply.

For those of you who plan on being highly selective about your class attendence in November, don’t expect your classmates to be as selfless as I am.

Take the time to show up a couple times before finals week, if for no other reason than to ask someone in the class for their notes. Of course, if you really don’t care if you receive any notes or not, by all means continue to send out futile emails.

We could all use the entertainment.